5/2/09 4:26 am

5/2/09
4:26 am

It's late and you're in bed asleep with our dogs. I got home late and didn't have a chance to talk to you. I don't like staying out this late. I would like to spend my nights hanging out with you. There are so many things I'd like to tell you and talk to you about and I'm finally going to write you because I want to let you know what's going on with me on the inside. To talk to you like an adult and to be serious, at least this time.
It was the third time I hung out with Dakota. He's nice and someone that I would like to have as a friend but other than that I don't see myself with him. It's been only a little while that you and I have been broken up and coming home tonight not getting a chance to talk to you brought tears to my eyes. I miss you, I do. I miss the inside jokes, the secret language, the comfortable-ness that we had with each other. The holding and talking. The way that no one has ever touched me like you did, like you genuinely meant to tell me how much you needed me by the way you touched my skin. And I permanently broke it.
I didn't cheat on you, but you were right, I might as well have. So many times that I took advantage of you because you let me. Let you enable me. The two years that I wasn't responsible and so childish. I was looking for someone to take care of me and you do such a good job at it that I kept letting you and I was letting both of us down.
There wasn't all good times. So many bad ones where my dark days made the stupidest things worse. Days when we let everything but ourselves make up the minds of our moods. It was so easy to resent you when I was angry with myself for things going wrong. You carry so much guilt and you shouldn't. We should have carried it together but reality is so easy to ignore.
I leaned on you so much. You are twice the man that Eddie was when I knew him and I love you a million times more. There was the idea of a future with you. The complete knowledge that there was no one out there that would understand me, love me, want to be with me as much as you did. The glance at another man and thinking to myself “he's not as good as Levi”.
I keep going out with guys because, like I said before, that's how I know how to deal with this. Feeling rejected because of my own doing and trying to find something that will make me feel less empty inside. Someone to make me feel half as good as when it was mediocre with you.
There were things I wished you were willing to change about yourself and if you'd like to know what they are I'd like to tell you, but I don't want to attack you.
I never want to lose you as what ever you'll let me be in your life. And I'll always love you because you're the only one to teach me what unconditional love was all about. I hope beyond everything else that we could have that again. The feeling that the sentence “You complete me” isn't a cliché, it's just the only way to put into words how entirely full you feel.
Please let this be the start of meaningful conversation between the two of us so that we can be what we once were once again.
Always yours,
Jamie

How Low Can You Go

I've been out of work now for more than three and a half months. My mom is struggling to pay my car and my insurance, and luckily, my boyfriend is kind enough to have all of his paychecks pay our bills. I've stopped answering my phone for numbers I don't recognize and I'm sure that my already poor credit score has sunk even lower. I currently don't have health insurance. I've watched too many hours of tv and have started on a garden. I've cried because we couldn't afford dog food and I've fought with my boyfriend more than any other time in our two years together.
I've seen various news reports about former CEOs taking a job at Starbucks, or a former stock trader that now delivers pizza. I sat at Burger King tonight talking to the staff considering how bad it would be if I were to cashier there. It would pay minimum wage, I'd be on my feet most of the day, I'd have to deal with people and I'd be working in fast food. I never thought I'd have to work fast food. If I had moved to a place where there was no chance I would ever know anyone then it might be an option. How do I react when my boyfriend's parents come or someone I used to work with.
I've filled out applications, I've sent my resume off and to no avail there's been no response. I've considered joining the military for some sort of training and a job, but then I might die. I've considered the option of being a stripper, if I were skinny enough and I wouldn't be opposed to having sex for money if it was someone I trusted and I wasn't a street walker.
I have this fear that I'll screw up at any job so bad that someone will be disappointed in me as much as I'll be disappointed in myself.

No happy endings

I don't hate happy endings, I just don't like that the happy ends. It's like watching Ever After or The Princess Bride and wondering what happens after the final kiss and the fade to black while the credits roll. I'm not looking for something to be illfated, I'm just looking for something more substantial than that. Do they fight? do they hate some of their habits? are they faithful? does everything work in the bedroom like the partners want it to? My main question is, what happens next?
As much as I would like to believe that love is a beautiful, and undying, and everything media would like it to be I live in the real world, or as real as I can believe it is.

February 10, 2009

February 10, 2009
It's Tuesday. Levi's just left for work, I'm on my laptop watching tv, wishing the Ethernet cable would stretch to the living room so I could get online. I'm watching a reality tv show about bad girls that go to a ladies finishing school to become proper ladies. I would like to become a lady. It's not that I'm not a lady, I have lady-like qualities but here I sit in baggy jeans and my boyfriends shirt and tennies with my feet on the other couch. There should be a reality show where it's the ultimate life makeover, you've got these finishing school ladies to teach you to become a lady, the What Not to Wear crew to teach you what to wear and how to wear it, Extream Makeover to give you a new place to live, You Are What You Eat to keep you trim and healthy, True Life to chronicle it all, and Real World to follow you after your transformation. I honestly believe that any person on a reality show should go through some kind of therapy, I guess that's true for everyone.
I hate girls that have bad voices. One of my dream jobs would be to do voice over work for commercials or tv, I'm sure it's as difficult as any other job but it would be nice. Watching a new born on tv it's strange to think that weeks or even days ago that baby wasn't born, how did they get a career so quickly? Maybe a producer or director's kid, or relative.
Another one of my dream jobs would be to be the idea person for the Today Show, or Good Morning, America. I have so many ideas and ask so many questions, for the research to get done and written in a journalistic fashion, I'd do it given the resources, maybe another person to help me.
I'm still watching the show about bad girls. They're all victims, most play a victim. Without their makeup I feel better about myself without makeup. It's an exaggeration of feminine features, but so many ugly features of the inside seem to be exaggerated in the physical features. It's like looking at Princess Diana, or an aged woman with proud wrinkles on her face, it's somehow beautiful beyond the flaws. And then looking at a physically beautiful woman that just isn't because of her inner attributes. One girl eliminated, she told the finishing school ladies off, classy.
More tv, You Are What You Eat. If you've never seen this show it will change the way you eat. I'll admit I had a Big Mac yesterday, but it's something that's once in a blue moon. I'm an American, I love my burgers. But I know the difference when you eat something good you end up feeling good. It's a show that's on BBC, the British Broadcasting Channel (I think that's what the acronym is). On this episode two guys eat really poorly, and drink quite a bit. One of the guys looks like he's pregnant, and I'm pretty sure the two guys are gay. It's surprises me that homosexuality is rather well accepted in the UK when it was the pilgrims that escaped from England to avoid religious persecution. American's are the ones that seem to have the big issue, at least from what I've seen. I've never been east of Kansas, and BBC is where I get my source for anything in England, so I could very well be wrong. Maybe do a study of homosexuality in various countries, I'll put that on my list.
I keep telling myself that to work out, my pilates video is actually really good, and the 20 minutes a day is something I could easily spare in my day of, well nothing. I own a treadmill, it's sitting there unused. What is it that's stopping me? Perfectionism, maybe. I'm not a victim, I just haven't done it on my own accord. Maybe today, I hope.
More You Are What You Eat, I watch an unfortunate amount of tv. I guess it's just a matter of learning something that. On this episode, an extra large single mother, that is passing her bad habits onto her daughter. No fresh fruits or vegetables in a week. I read in a book that says potatoes are the favorite vegetable of children, because of french fries. I love french fries, with mayo. I should give them up. I've pretty near given up soda. The only soda in the house is diet and that's not something I'll touch.
I've considered going on the Biggest Loser, but they wouldn't take me because I'm not big enough. The last winner lost almost fifty percent of her body weight, if I were to lose fifty percent of my body weight I'd weight seventy pounds, not healthy for anyone over the age of eight. So today since I woke up early and am actually experiencing some of the hours in the day I'm trying to eat something every hour almost on the hour. I've had Starbucks (thanks to a friend), yogurt, cottage cheese so far. I don't know what I'll have next, but I've got about a half an hour to decide.
People on reality tv seem to have so much time on their hands. It's not true, I'm sure, but how do people get off work for shows like the Biggest Loser, I mean it's like months that they're on the ranch. I guess it maybe it's a leave of absence, and in the long run it's cheaper for the company compared to the insurance costs. But other reality shows, do people not work? Maybe they're to blame for the economy.
Oh the economy. It's like a flu or sickness that's affecting everyone, as much as I hate to admit it. You don't understand how bad the flu is until it hits you. Obama's stimulus just passed earlier today. I don't know what it means to me, but I hope I can eventually pay my bills with it. No matter how many times my credit card company calls it doesn't change how much money I have.
For now, I'm done, but I will write more.