5/2/09 4:26 am

5/2/09
4:26 am

It's late and you're in bed asleep with our dogs. I got home late and didn't have a chance to talk to you. I don't like staying out this late. I would like to spend my nights hanging out with you. There are so many things I'd like to tell you and talk to you about and I'm finally going to write you because I want to let you know what's going on with me on the inside. To talk to you like an adult and to be serious, at least this time.
It was the third time I hung out with Dakota. He's nice and someone that I would like to have as a friend but other than that I don't see myself with him. It's been only a little while that you and I have been broken up and coming home tonight not getting a chance to talk to you brought tears to my eyes. I miss you, I do. I miss the inside jokes, the secret language, the comfortable-ness that we had with each other. The holding and talking. The way that no one has ever touched me like you did, like you genuinely meant to tell me how much you needed me by the way you touched my skin. And I permanently broke it.
I didn't cheat on you, but you were right, I might as well have. So many times that I took advantage of you because you let me. Let you enable me. The two years that I wasn't responsible and so childish. I was looking for someone to take care of me and you do such a good job at it that I kept letting you and I was letting both of us down.
There wasn't all good times. So many bad ones where my dark days made the stupidest things worse. Days when we let everything but ourselves make up the minds of our moods. It was so easy to resent you when I was angry with myself for things going wrong. You carry so much guilt and you shouldn't. We should have carried it together but reality is so easy to ignore.
I leaned on you so much. You are twice the man that Eddie was when I knew him and I love you a million times more. There was the idea of a future with you. The complete knowledge that there was no one out there that would understand me, love me, want to be with me as much as you did. The glance at another man and thinking to myself “he's not as good as Levi”.
I keep going out with guys because, like I said before, that's how I know how to deal with this. Feeling rejected because of my own doing and trying to find something that will make me feel less empty inside. Someone to make me feel half as good as when it was mediocre with you.
There were things I wished you were willing to change about yourself and if you'd like to know what they are I'd like to tell you, but I don't want to attack you.
I never want to lose you as what ever you'll let me be in your life. And I'll always love you because you're the only one to teach me what unconditional love was all about. I hope beyond everything else that we could have that again. The feeling that the sentence “You complete me” isn't a cliché, it's just the only way to put into words how entirely full you feel.
Please let this be the start of meaningful conversation between the two of us so that we can be what we once were once again.
Always yours,
Jamie